Thank you for confirming my position at Small Screen Video. I am terribly excited to begin and have decided to bring cakes and coffee to my first shift. Do you still prefer Hummingbird or have you moved onto chocolate? You might notice I am still calling you Barbara but I think you will find it is appropriate because when two people have known each other for a while they are allowed to make up nicknames.
To commemorate my first shift and thus my inclusion into the Small Screen Video family I thought we might have a party. I looked into renting hot tubs and jumping castles and while they both have their pros and cons the jumping castle came out on top, not only in terms of functionality — you will find more people can fit inside the jumping castle and that the castle will provide additional sleeping space not to mention cozy corners to lean against once people begin fingering strangers beneath the doona covers that I will acquire from Target at a five finger discount — but also in terms of price. Given that we no longer honour our $1 Tuesday deal — even if the customer has the correct coupon, which you clearly mentioned in the last team meeting, something that Billy didn’t seem to remember because I watched him give out THREE MOVIES FOR THREE DOLLARS LAST TUESDAY — I think you will find the jumping castle well within the Small Screen Video 2012 budget.
Of course we will keep the party small. I have only told my brother and he has promised to find a dog sitter for his dog so I guess we can confirm the date on Monday.
While this is probably something to discuss at the team meeting, I would like to raise my concern regarding Small Screen Video’s music choice. Shortly after completing my medical trial — don’t worry, I got the placebo — I purchased a camera and hid it within Small Screen Video so that I might acquaint myself with policies and practices that allow your business to flourish. Barbara, you and your staff seem to play a lot of obscure music that no one has ever heard of. I mean the other day there was a record actually called ‘obscure B-Side’. I know this because I zoomed in on my camera and read it. Barbara, I am an honest employee so I will tell you that Matchbox 20 were the defining band of a generation and they generally make people feel really good. I like to feel good Barbara. Is it too much to ask to feel good in the workplace? I will only be playing Matchbox 20 during my Monday, Thursday and Sunday shifts. I can see that you are confused because of the way your mouth is hanging open but you probably just want to shake your head from side to side. P.S. nice new lipstick, is it Dior?
I look forward to FINALLY meeting you on Monday.
Yours in esteemed satisfaction and soon-to-be employee,
P.P.S. I have updated my wardrobe and now wear only block colours. Perhaps the other employees might consider doing the same in order to create the “team” atmosphere I know you have been searching for.
P.P.P.S. Please let Billy know ahead of time that there will not be enough cake for him.