Batman, Virgin or Serial Killer

Words by Nicole X

Published on May 24, 2013

Nicole is publishing weekly stories from her online dating journey on her website right here and for the rest of May we’ll be publishing weekly footnotes to her stories.


It seems that online dating is not for the faint-hearted. A friend of mine described it nicely as an ‘ever-escalating game of chicken’. He went on to tell me about a woman who had contacted him and after only two messages had sent him a photo of her vagina that resembled a ‘knife wound in a gorilla’s back’.

Great image.

I have to say that I have yet to receive any genital photos but hope to soon. I have  however, received messages from men who are giving the finger in their profile pictures.

I responded to one of them: ‘Why are you giving me the finger in your profile picture?’

‘It’s the only photo I have of me without a shirt. Don’t you like it?’

‘You look like a massive dickhead.’

I know it’s pointless to get mad at these guys but sometimes I can’t help it. Soon after the dickhead with the middle finger I got a message from a guy with no profile picture at all. This really shits me because one of the main rules of the site is that you must have a picture that clearly shows your face.

He said: ‘Hi sexy woman i’m more into meeting up in person.’

I said: ‘Where’s your photo?’

‘Its a quit along story but i’m more than happy to come out my street if you’re keen to visit.’

‘How am I supposed to know who you are without having seen your photo? Are you a 12-year-old virgin?’

‘well i don’t have any photo here & i have a reason not to put my picture here so the otherway to see it to meet up in person a few drinks or something to get to know each other a bit more. i’m 33 years old fella, 6’2 height handsome with dark skin i’m sure i’ll attract you once we met up.’

‘Why won’t you put your photo up? Are you a serial killer?’

‘A person reason Truth me.’

‘I can’t believe that unless I see a photo.’

‘a serial killer!!! Why should i ? Okay you won’t marry me i get it’

‘Marry you? I’ve had a five-minute conversation with you. I don’t know anything about you.’

‘I do have my own reason keep it to myself. what about i’ll make things more easier to you by give my details give it to your family or even a close friends while you’re visit me. True but you’re so attractive i’ve not seen for such a long time. i wish you could feel the same way once we meet up.’

‘Are you an international spy? Or batman?’

‘what do you mean?’

‘Is that the reason you won’t put up a photo? I think you’re insane.’

Since then I’ve checked the site. He’s still there without a photo. Not that the photo is likely to make much difference. So many profile pictures look nothing like the person who posted them.

According to another male friend of mine, women are prone to lying about their weight. All of the women he met from online were 10–20kg heavier in life than in their profile photos. Maybe they thought that a sparkling personality is an invisibility cloak for lies.

Another guy who messaged me had the profile picture of a 22-year-old Mediterranean film star. His description says he’s 36.

‘Is that a recent photo?’ I asked him.

‘Yes, why?’

‘Well then, you’re doing very well for 36.’

‘I’m Italian.’

‘Italian born or Italian parents?’

‘Why don’t you meet me and find out?’

‘Okay. I’m available on Wednesday evening.’

‘So the cross-dressing doesn’t bother you?’

Cross-dressing? He doesn’t have that listed in his bio. ‘I don’t know. I’ve never met a cross-dresser.’

That’s the last I’ve heard from him.What the fuck? I would totally love to meet a hot Italian cross-dresser. Screw you, dude, for getting my hopes up.

So based on all of this I couldn’t face the idea of going on a date this week. The arse holes are wearing me down. The problem is that I have nowhere to put my anger. When a guy pisses me off online all I can do is mash the keyboard and maybe go downstairs and yell at my flatmate, Paul. Bars offer a better environment for dealing with dickheads. If a guy is rude to you in a bar you can yell at him and throw a drink in his face. Actually, I have half a mug of cold tea here on my desk. Maybe I’ll go find Paul.


Read all about Nicole’s non-existent date for the week right here.