How To: Grow Up (A Beginner’s Guide)

Words by Maggie McDade

Published on May 1, 2013

 

Food

Invest in an array of cookbooks. Include books for vegans and books about low-sugar foods. Share salad recipes via email with friends. Visit David Jones and buy casserole dishes and heavy-based saucepans.

Car

Buy a car for not very much money but then spend all your money repairing it. You’ll get used to replacing the brakes. Do not feel angered or cheated when you also have to repair power steering switch, replace gas tank and buy new tyres. To counter these expensive repairs, try and save money by attempting some repair jobs yourself, like de-rusting the body of your vehicle using steel wool, a scourer and white paint specially ordered from Repco. This will take you about six weekends before you give up.

House

Move between rental houses frequently. Become friendly toward yellow development signs being tacked to your front fence — ones that read that your bookie landlord is building a four-story dwelling on the site. You’ll become at peace with the ritual of collecting boxes to fit all your things into, and marking them with texta pen. Each time you move, say to yourself, this wont be as bad as last time, we don’t have that much stuff. This is a lie. Slap yourself on the wrist when you say this. You own a piano. Hire a removalist. Do not self-move.

Lifestyle

Reconsider your penchant for binge drinking. Attempt to curb binge drinking by reading book about someone who give up binge drinking. Thereafter, look suspiciously at half-empty bottles of wine in the fridge and decide to use them only for cooking. Return to binge drinking.

Work

Obtain a job with sick pay and leave, but one that reminds you that adulthood is still not yet upon you: you still have a job that requires you to wear a hat.

Money

Open shared bank account with a significant other. Consider rolling all eight of your super funds into one. Open a high-interest savings account. Collect some money in here and congratulate yourself on your frugality. If you ever feel the need to drain the high-interest savings account, buy a car (see above).