How To Wild Card: Befriend Your Crush’s New Boyfriend

Words by Ryan Sim

Published on May 29, 2013

Before starting, cultivate your infatuation with this woman over at least six months, or longer. It is important you never discuss your feelings with her, but make them apparent in any other way you can. Over this time she will change her hair colour, and seasons will change. Talk about sex and relationships with her. She will tell you she has a crush on a man from another city. You will say, ‘That’s cool,’ and smile. This is important.

He will come to visit. He will be staying with her. You won’t know this until you turn up at her house for a dinner she has arranged with friends. He will be lying in her bed and you will say, ‘Hey I’m [insert your name here],’ and he will say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ He will have a nice smile. He will be comfortable to be around. He will be funny. When you all go out to dinner, sit next to him. This is important. Talk about music, you’ll have a lot in common. You’ll talk to him about your favourite band, and he will say, ‘I have an original pressing of their first seven-inch,’ and you will realise how cool he really is, but you’ll say, ‘I didn’t really like it as much as their later stuff.’ You will recommend a meal for him to order and he’ll say, ‘Thanks.’

She will look amazing, but that’s okay because she always does. When he turns his head from your conversation to talk to her, she will smile, and you will feel a stinging pain in your chest. This is normal. If you do not experience this, please go back to the first step.

You will think she is beautiful and kind and generous, and she deserves good things in her life. Then you will say to yourself, ‘But so do I.’

Add him on Facebook when you get home.