Everyone knows great writers are great substance abusers. Drugs and alcohol go hand in hand with writing like cheese goes with tomato sauce on your lazy mother’s packed lunch sandwiches. If you want to write well you better get drinking. I’ll take you through the steps to make sure your drunken masterpiece is really up to scratch.
First pick a night. It has to be night. You also have to be alone. This is crucial. Anyone around and you will have a sense of shame. There must be no barrier between your shitty subconscious and the page. For my example I picked a Sunday night, perfect because nobody wants to come around and I will have an amazing hangover to complain about at work the next day.
Now it’s time to pick a drink. Wine is good. Spirits are better.
Avoid beer because it will make you happy.
Pick a drink that you know gets you emotional. Get rid of those inhibitions you have learnt while learning to write. Forget all the lessons. Your weapons, you will not need them. Let’s say I pick Ketel One; a good vodka, really smooth and real easy to drink. It will get me drunk quickly and seamlessly.
Now pick an album to play on repeat through the night. It has to be slow and sad. Nothing fast and nothing too complicated. The lyrics have to be especially simple and cringe-worthy. This isn’t a party; you’re not trying to impress anyone. I’ll pick Lucero’sTennessee; slow southern rock. I will mainly be skipping back to ‘Nights Like These’. Have you got one in mind? Good.
Now get sad. Really sad. As sad as you can. Well tears up in your eyes. If you can’t do this on command like me then go chop some onions or punch yourself in the nose.
Think about the saddest things you can. Puppies dying, or how your dad didn’t think you were the most masculine child of the litter, or how your last girlfriend left you because you really are retarded and this god damn proves it.
Now you’re ready to write. Write about anything. Sex, suicide, love poems. Write until you can’t see the words properly anymore. How far did you get? I got one poem. I posted it on the net and passed out. Feel free to do so now. I lasted an hour and a half. Perfect.
Ok now here is one I prepared earlier. It is a perfect example of drunk poetry. This one is so cringe-worthy I am worried about it harming people.
A Poem about Clichés is so Cliché
Let’s write a poem,
sweet little thing,
look where you got me,
drinking cheap vodka,
with coke cos’ I can’t drink it straight,
I wish I could drink it straight,
that says it all don’t it,
the awful cigarettes make me want to vomit,
I already done it once tonight,
and I’m tryin’ to hold down another one,
tonight I didn’t want to write a song about a girl,
but I’m doin’ it anyway,
that says it all don’t it
I was rememberin’ that time,
that we went to a club,
with all my friends,
and we left without sayin’ anything,
and we slow danced to that fast song,
I don’t remember which one,
but I was never one for details,
that says it all don’t it,
it was nice,
god damn it was nice,
but the song didn’t last too long,
and if you called me tonight,
I don’t know if I would be strong enough,
to let you down easy.
There we go. If you are done throwing up in your mouth and spitting it into the garden then you will be able to post it up on some shitty creative writing forum and cry when somebody trolls you.
If you’re keen for more drivel check out my blog at skydekkerix.wordpress.com