Nicole is publishing weekly stories from her online dating journey on her website right here and for the rest of May we’ll be publishing weekly footnotes to her stories.
I am reviewing and deleting my 15 or so matches when I spot a familiar face in a profile picture. His screen name contains the letters FNQ. FNQ is a region of Australia. If you’ve never lived there, FNQ stands for Far North Queensland. If you have lived there it stands for Fucking North Queensland. I’m from Fucken North Queensland, aye. Plenty of Fish has matched me with this guy because we both started in the same place and are now both living in Brisbane. It takes me a couple of seconds to recognise him and when I do, a small shriek comes out of me.
My flatmate is downstairs eating a bowl of ice cream. He hears my shriek and his first impulse is to drop the bowl and run away. I know this because I’ve caught him doing it before. Ice cream is one of the greatest pleasures in my flatmate’s life and yet he will abandon an entire bowl of it to the sink if he hears this shriek. He is about to be the recipient of a long, confusing, manic rant.
‘Paul!’ I can’t get downstairs fast enough. ‘Paul, you remember that guy from Townsville who played in that shit band in like, 2000 and he was really annoying and try-hard and at that party he snorted a line of Whizz Fizz and he had that soul patch and wore beanies in summer?’
‘Was his name Shaun? I think his name was Shaun and he was going out with that chick who glassed that guy Ray in the face that time in The Exchange and then she went to jail but they let her out after a month and then she got knocked up by that Murry arsehole but after she had the baby she had to go to rehab for heroin addiction? Do you know that one time she tried to beat me up in the toilets of the Mad Cow?’
‘Yeah, I don’t know what I was doing there that place is such a skank hole but do you remember that Shaun guy? That annoying Shaun guy?’
Paul holds his spoon in the air. Ice cream drips off it. ‘I remember him.’
‘Ohmygod he just came up in my matches. Shaun is doing online dating! What a loser he’s doing online dating.’
Paul lowers his spoon into the bowl. ‘Did you hear what you just said?’
‘That he’s a loser?’
‘Take a breath and think about it.’
My face must go white because Paul starts laughing. ‘You’re crazy and my ice cream is melting.’
‘He’s still a loser,’ I shout as I stomp back up the stairs.
Read about Nicole’s date for the week right here.